letters, words, memories....

Dear Dad,
I miss you lately. Some days I miss you more than others, but most "miss you" days lately are comforting rather than difficult. I'm sure you know how busy and crazy life is with football, soccer and swim team, let alone the rest of everything (like eating!), and there are times when I can see you snickering and shaking your head at the comings and goings. Makes me smile way deep down when I think of it.

There are still times, though, when the comforting feeling is accompanied by hot tears, and, quite honestly, I feel confused. Those are the times when I wish. The wishes are always different, because the occasions are always different. These days, the tears are related to those one-armed hugs. I can feel them, and I miss them all at the same time. Usually, when I get to see Andy or Mike, I can manage to get one from them, but it's just not the same. When I feel you there beside me, reaching your left arm around me in a quick squeeze, I can hear you saying just what I need to hear, "You done good, kid."

I'm so glad to have Guy and the boys everyday. I see and hear you in them in so many ways, so many little things that make my heart dance. I probably shouldn't keep those reminders to myself, the way I do. I know it would comfort them to know that you are there--a lasting part of each of them, but the moments pass so quickly, and I lose the 'how' to say it. Funny, huh? Me, at a loss for words.

You were, and still are, the best Dad I ever had. :) I love that I can say that, and when I do, I can hear, in a huge rush, all the variations of that I ever heard you say to anyone you loved, including the "secret" ones! I also hear you say it now, to others you never got to meet, but who have come into our lives. I love that you are the only one ever to call me "Stephania," and I miss the way you would hold your toe when you crossed your ankle over your knee.

I miss our pajama-clad coffee talks, and seeing you try to find the right tools and materials to fix things here. I miss hearing you say, "Dog!" when Twilight would nudge you, and I wonder what you would have thought of Rusty, who Henry refers to as "Dope," making me hear you in his voice. When Jonathan reads to elementary students, I see a vignette of you reading to Celeste and me, thinking you were tricking us out of watching TV. Drew leans back in your chair and reads as if he doesn't even notice that the spring has been shot for probably 45 years. Who does that remind you of? Joseph misses you so very much. He really wanted more time with you. I still read to Joseph and Drew, and I promise, next time we snuggle up together, to tell him about you reading to us. It's been a while since I told them about that.

The greatest gift, though, is the blessings you bestowed on Guy and me together. I admire, still, the easy way you had with each other. The banter, the jokes, the serious times. The way you hugged each other with your whole beings, as if you'd known each other forever. I miss seeing you clap him on the shoulder, and the way you'd both make "man hug" noises. He and Mike share that, and I can't wait to see it again.

Thank you for watching over us, and for being on the other side of that beautiful star that is the first one I see in the sky. Thank you for blessing me with your sense of humor (even though it gets me in trouble sometimes--or maybe because it gets me in trouble sometimes!). And thank you for believing in me when it was right, and questioning me when I needed to be questioned. Know that you, like all those I love, are always in my heart and on my mind. Thank you for always encouraging me to move forward; to look ahead, not back, unless there was a lesson to be remembered. Most of all, thank you for being a part of the spiral that is life.

I love you!
I miss you!
Love,
Stephania