Some days I miss you more than others. And often, on those days, I also feel guilt for not truly appreciating you when you were here. I mean, I did appreciate you, but I probably should have told you more often, called you more often. Talked with you about nothing more often. Then I wonder: how often could possibly have been often enough to make up for now?
I know you are there, watching, as part of the night sky--in the stars and the moon.......but I do wonder at times where I am to find you in the daylight. In the times when I am supposed to be cleaning the house, making the bed, brushing my teeth. It's not just you I miss; it's what you represent. A safe haven when I'm scared, angry, confused. Never did you make me tell you what was on my mind, good or bad. We would, and could, talk about anything else to distract, clarify, connect. How many years? How many yesterdays? How many heartaches, headaches?
What I need now, what I crave at this moment, is to hear you tell me, yet again, about the day I climbed into your lap and told you that I didn't ever want to grow up, and you replying that I would always be your little girl, no matter what. No matter what.
No matter what.
You taught me strength, and you probably didn't even know it. Strength of character, forgiveness and love. Honestly, there are some times when I wish I didn't have that strength, but, again, thanks to you, I recognize those times as moments of weakness. And then I recall the lessons in humor and lightness of spirit. That is where I find my true self; my true strength.
I find myself missing you today, because I know I'm not the only one missing you. Look in on me, please, but focus your attention on who needs it most. I'm strong. And I'll find some lightness in today, I know I will.
No matter what.
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