not the same

Tonight's homily contained a thought that really stuck with me, as a good homily should. (Actually, there were a number of good points to ponder, but then there was this one....) It went something like this, "Not one of us is the same person we were last New Year's Eve."
How very true.
If asked to specify changes, I'd be hard pressed, but all I need is a quick look inward to see a difference. Although there are individuals who would question or disagree, I can say with certainty that I wouldn't go back. I have a long way to go, but I have traveled far on this journey.
At the moment, I'm in a rough spot, kind of between, and difficult to define, but I'm learning the vocabulary to speak and live it. Augustine said something along the lines of his search for God leading to a search for himself.  That when he finally found his own heart, his true self, he found where God had been all along. I feel a certain affinity for Augustine. I've been looking at various areas of my life - past and present - and trying to find God in them. Some are easier than others, but what I'm slowly realizing is that I think the places I'm finding it hard are the times I was least myself; when I was working to please, impress, or blend in. The question may need to change from "where were You?" to "where was I?"
In the past year, I've begun to learn to stand firmly for myself. And to be consistent and firm in that, while also being calm and willing to receive what comes of it. I've made mistakes, but that's how we learn, we humans. I told my therapist yesterday that I have always hated 'practicing.' "As a dancer?" he laughed, "And yet you found a way." As we talked about that, he said that practice is an inefficient word for what we were really talking about. A better word?
Living.
And I realized he is right (as he often is) and that living is what I've had a hard time doing consistently. I do - have done - an awful lot of waiting. I'm moving forward. One step at a time, complete with stumbles, trips, scrapes and bruises. But I am not - am never - alone. God is with me, whether I recognize Him or not. I am not the person I was a year ago. And I am grateful to all who have helped me along.