making a list

This morning, before work and school, one of the boys come and told me something he wanted for Christmas. We talked a little, and I reminded him of something he'd already asked for. Both I can't do, but I could do one or the other. 

Later - this evening - he told me about asking his brothers what they would like for Christmas. As we talked, I honestly couldn't remember ever having been asked what I wanted for Christmas. At one time, I believe I was told that asking someone for a Christmas list proved a lack of knowledge about the person. So I never made a list; never offered. Many Christmas mornings found me disappointed that those who hadn't asked really didn't seem to know me. Every time I blamed myself for not being "me" enough for others to know me. 

Last week I was asked if a class I mentioned was something I would really like to do, if I had the money for it. "There you go; when anyone asks you what you want for Christmas this year, you can tell them you'd like cash for the class registration." When. I heard it and automatically changed it in my mind to "if." Despite what was said, I was already preparing for that disappointment. 

Yes. I know that Christmas is not about the gifts. And yet I am sorely aware of how bare the floor beneath our tree will be this year. I tell myself that the boys, my menfolk, have been raised well enough to know there's far more to the day than piles of presents. And I pray that I know them well enough to be able to find something special for each of them. Not because I feel I need to, but because I want to. Their responses to their brother's inquiry do not surprise me at all. I'll do my best. And hope they know my love for them is more than I can ever put in a box or a gift bag. 

My Christmas list?

~cash for fencing or ballroom class

~cash toward the repairs on the car

~coffee from Kona

~gift card for books

Simple stuff, really.