to be me

The things I do, I do because I need to. They've been on my dream list a very long time. Occasionally I'm asked if it's my bucket list I'm pulling from, and I have to say that's not the case. There is a distinct difference between things I might want to do before I die, and things I've always wanted to learn, do, or try. 

Yesterday I got my motorcycle license. A couple of weeks ago, the ride coach asked me why I decided now to go for it. Taken aback a little, all I could tell him was that I know some great people who ride, my uncle has one, and I just always knew from the time I was little that I wanted to ride. As of five weeks ago, I'd never even straddled a motorcycle. Last week I was a passenger for the first time. 

That's only part of the story. I've been held back from so many things I've wanted to do, and the external barriers are still wreaking havoc on my heart from time to time, but I'm moving forward. Seeing openings and taking them; accepting the challenge to Be Me. 

So I ballroom dance without a partner for class because I love it.  I got a tattoo because I've wanted one since my kids were born. I learned to ride and will get a bike once I'm done paying major lawyer bills. I've painted my bedroom in colors I like, for the first time in my life, believe it or not. I have two country stations programmed in my car, and not because it came that way! I go to the gym on my schedule - and I allow myself flexibility with that schedule. 

That's the beginning. I want to learn to kayak - like actually know what I'm doing. I went with a friend a couple of times a few summers ago, and she moved away. She's now back, and I hope that next summer we can pick up where we left off. But if that doesn't fit for both of us, I have the tools to find a way. I have always loved the water. I've never spent enough time with it - I've been held back. I've always wanted to travel, and I'm finally able to allow myself, to stand up for the time necessary to see places and people. 

Bucket list? No. Things that are naturally me that have been suppressed. To a certain extent, I let them be. I allowed small bits of me to be chipped away. I listened and believed that in my heart were childish, unattainable desires, and that they should stay there; not to be shared. Thankfully, they never disappeared completely. Gramma Katie's insistence that I promise never to grow old protected them, I'm sure of it. 

I will be who I am intended to be. Adventurer. Dreamer. Lover. Leader. Follower. Spirited. Learner. Stephanie.