a hug

Yesterday began with a hug from a near stranger. Not often does something so unexpected seem so comfortable and familiar. Hours later, another hug from someone else, along with the words, "You give great hugs." Just a simple statement of fact, and I realized one more of the pieces of "me" I have let go somewhere along the way. As I heard the words spoken close to my ear, almost feeling as though they were inside my head rather than outside, I heard echos of the same from loved ones now flung far and wide, physically and spiritually.

Dad used to comment on my hugs; usually with a simple word of thanks. Mostly our hugs were unconventional--a squeeze of the hand, or his left arm around my shoulders and my head on his, my right cheek on his chest. Recently, I recalled in that moment, someone else had told me about missing my hugs, but I can't for the life of me remember who. And that's when I realized and remembered how much I miss the genuine, spontaneous, joy-filled hugs that used to explode out of me everywhere.

I've been watching for the me things, the gifts I've been given, entrusted with, and that I should be honing, sharing, returning. A number of years ago, I lamented to a friend that I was missing the hugs I used to share with classmates, co-workers, and oftentimes, people I'd just met. He immediately hugged me, and offered to receive any hugs I might have pent up. He is still a very dear friend (who also is an amazing hugger!), but I don't see him often at all. Luckily, I have a family--both of heart and of blood) who hug hello and goodbye.

Somewhere in there, in what I can only describe as an effort to fit in, I have turned myself into a square peg trying to fit into the round hole that is reality; that is my space in this world.

Paddling on the water yesterday, I found a piece of me. One that I had forgotten was missing. Our fearless canoe adventure leader told me that she leads this group because on the water is where she found God again, and in sharing the wonder of nature, she is doing what she can to give praise. While she did not emphasize the "again" part, I could completely identify. I found him again on a highway. And ever since, I've been letting him lead me back to me. To him. And what I'm finding is that being myself is enough. The true myself: the one that wants to be comforted like a child; the one that wants to comfort; the hugger, the laughter, the listener; the hermit; the butterfly---the one that is me.

There are days when I am contentedly moving forward at a snail's pace, but what is really awesome is that I am not spinning my wheels, lost and alone. I am right where I am, and right where I am supposed to be.

Armed with a hug.