I know what motivates me. This is exciting because yesterday I was stumped and asked for some thoughts on how to answer the question. Lots of great thoughts and ideas were offered, and I tucked it all in the back of my mind for pondering. My brand of pondering tends to let the thoughts alone back there to work things out a little with others, and I let them come out when they are ready. Possibly because some of those ideas challenged me - something I've been missing in my life for a while - the creative part of my mind seems to have jumped in to assist. I digress....
Today I was asked to take an assessment as part of an application process. Fairly similar to one I completed a few months ago for another company, as I answered the questions I thought about my verbal response to the results when the time comes, since I was unprepared the last time. Many of the questions lacked context that could change my answer dramatically, and I made mental notes of them, more for my own analysis later than anything else. Since I spent that 40 minutes essentially preparing for an interview question or two, the motivation question came to mind. "What does motivate me?" I asked myself as I curled up with a cup of hot chocolate. I closed my eyes and chuckled. One of my friends said yesterday that there are only two real motivators: Love and fear. When the hiring manager asked, my first thought was to say, "Well, it's not fear!" But I didn't know what it was. Then the images came to me.
Faces filled with gratitude. With understanding, new found knowledge. Delighted at having a new idea, a new skill, a new future. Some were faces of people I'd actually met, worked with, or encountered. Others were strangers from ads or marketing materials, but not models or actors; actual delighted people. Still others were faces I've not yet seen, made up in my imagination years ago or just now it's hard to say, but the answer was clear. I'm motivated by helping others, I thought, but realized there's more to it than that. All of it is wrapped up in my first memory of life goals in addition to being a mom. I then remembered details of my dream of having a job that required me to wear a hat and carry a clipboard - a cap, a hardhat, a uniform hat of some kind - and that my mother was mortified by the thought. (Which amused me as much tonight as it did back then!) But it's what I always wanted to do; that much I remembered vividly as I thought.
One Christmas while I was in high school, I read in the paper about the Arctic League and asked my dad if we could help. At the time, I was surprised at how readily he agreed (as a mom and former youth minister, I now know that if a kid asks to do something like that, you make it possible!) and on Christmas morning, we got up at some ungodly hour to drive a half hour to the warehouse and stand in a tremendous line in the cold and snow, and it was so worth it. The world was so quiet, between the hour, the darkness, the foot or so of snow everywhere, the hats, scarves, mittens and down enveloping all the volunteers. It was Christmas morning, but even more magical than usual, because we were going to be Santa. I was awed, touched, humbled. The line moved quickly, efficiently, and cheerfully, with hot chocolate handed out while we waited, maybe cookies, some friendly small talk among strangers. At the head of the line, we were given our deliveries and our map: 5 bags of treasures to deliver to areas I didn't even know existed. Dad found each address expertly, and together we would take the bag to the door, knocking quietly as we were instructed, so the sleeping children would have no idea we'd been there. I was profoundly affected that early, early morning by the faces of each person answering the door. No words were spoken, other than a whispered "Merry Christmas" and the corresponding "Thank you." But the faces. A picture may speak 1,000 words, but those faces, those eyes, they spoke ever so much more. Shortly thereafter I began looking into the Make-a-Wish Foundation and Habitat for Humanity, and even the Peace Corps. For reasons I neither remember the details of nor understood even at the time, I was discouraged from pursuing careers in such organizations.
But I held tightly to the tail end of the dream, like the end of a kite string.
It all came back to me tonight in that question: "What does motivate me." Love, yes; not fear. Good, that was cleared up. Helping people, yes; but in what context? Can sales goals motivate me, given the right argument of helping someone? Maybe - if some donation to a cause I believe in is involved, perhaps. I knew there was more brewing. What did all those faces that played like a movie in my mind have in common - in a concise, interview answer way? What did the jobs that meant the most to me have in common that I saw in those faces? And how did that relate to the jobs that I didn't like so well - what was missing in them?
And I realized the Love that motivates me is Purpose. Habitat, Wishes, Arctic League, youth ministry, Reading with the Lions, teaching dance and making choreography -- all of them gave me, or have inherent in them, a sense of purpose; a specific goal of helping people with something in particular. That's what motivates me: knowing without a doubt that the intent of the job is to help someone in some defined way, with a project flow to make it happen. I'm motivated by purpose that allows my process-oriented mind to get creative and find the map, and bring life to the journey. Because life is about the journey; the journey is the purpose, and the purpose is Love.
Showing posts with label careers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label careers. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
on my way
Last week in small group, we started talking about those things we always wanted to do, to learn, to try, and whether 'now' is a time to consider them again. Our small group leader talked about getting his motorcycle license a few years ago, after many, many years of thinking about it. Since I've always wanted one, too, we talked a little about the process here. Someone else in the group pointed out that I'd been painting - choosing colors, prepping, enjoying the entire process. And it gave me the courage to think about old dreams; dreams I'd thought were lost, or at the very least, relegated to the darkest corners of my memory, only to be brought out in that 'someday' time when my grandchildren are thinking about what to do with their lives, and I am there to offer the advice that would make my own children crazy.
Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom; that's no secret. No one, and I mean no one, considered it a career option I should dedicate myself to. After a while, I tried keeping it to myself so I could explore options, at least on paper, and I found myself truly interested in a variety of fields. I wanted to be a dancer. I wanted to study international law. I wanted to continue with my French and Spanish studies, and work at the UN as a translator. I wanted a job that had me traveling the world, but also gave me the opportunity to be available, always, to my children. I wanted an office with my name on the door and an assistant who would show people in, because I wanted to be able to say, "No, I don't know that person. Send him away." I wanted to be a photographer. I wanted to live out of a suitcase because the world was my home. I wanted to make things, paint things, envision things and see them come to life. I wanted to work for an organization like Make-A-Wish, Habitat for Humanity, Ronald McDonald House. I remember once, to my mother's horror, saying that my dream job would have me wearing a cap and carrying a clipboard. [at the time I was watching one of the first FedEx commercials] I wanted to be a helicopter pilot. I wanted to ride horses, to live near the water. I wanted to study psychology, and be a social worker.
Sitting in that small group, all of my dreams washed over me, gently, soothingly, and I admitted what was most on my heart. I was discouraged from all of my biggest dreams; not always directly, and not always logically, but I was a kid. And a kid bent on pleasing somebody - anybody. Unfortunately, no one had ever encouraged me to be me, to understand that I have worth, that my dreams matter. No one told me that I matter. I don't even know if anyone 'in authority' knew that I was terrified of auditioning - so much so that when I came to the realization about a year ago that an audition is very similar to a job interview, I nearly fainted. Instead, I was reminded that I "hated school" (a half-truth; I hated not being myself, and being a teenager, it was safe to blame school); UN appointments were relatively short-term; work travel and family don't mix; I wasn't taking a science; non-profits don't have paid employees; "none of these options are appropriate for an intelligent and attractive young woman like you." None of my dreams were appropriate for me.
Being a mom has been the most rewarding and challenging career choice. It's not been without its sacrifices, and I would not change any of the choices I've made. Are there things I wish had turned out differently? Some. However, the truth is, They are fine young men, amazing to watch in everything they do, and I'm honored to know them. They've taught me more than they will ever realize, and because of them, I will be able to finally, somehow, follow some of my dreams. Because of them, when I look at all the dreams I had (when I was right where they are now), I realize that my real ideal - what I shared with my small group - is somewhere in the family of project management for an organization like Habitat. I was afraid to share the realization with them, but suddenly the air was alive with ideas, suggestions, affirmations. I was surprised, and taken aback. I don't recall ever having been in so supportive a spot. These new people in my life, with whom I share rather tenuous connection, told me where where they saw the connections in my life to this newborn dream. And they made me feel loved. In the space of minutes, they had me working internationally, on a schedule that fit my entire family, as well as all the fun things I like to do: dance, sew, write, paint. In those moments, they gave me a clipboard, a cap, a passport full of stamps, and a couple of new languages. A sense of being, and gave my wildest dreams life. More than even encouraging me, they supported me. My heart and I are on our way.
Growing up, I always knew I wanted to be a mom; that's no secret. No one, and I mean no one, considered it a career option I should dedicate myself to. After a while, I tried keeping it to myself so I could explore options, at least on paper, and I found myself truly interested in a variety of fields. I wanted to be a dancer. I wanted to study international law. I wanted to continue with my French and Spanish studies, and work at the UN as a translator. I wanted a job that had me traveling the world, but also gave me the opportunity to be available, always, to my children. I wanted an office with my name on the door and an assistant who would show people in, because I wanted to be able to say, "No, I don't know that person. Send him away." I wanted to be a photographer. I wanted to live out of a suitcase because the world was my home. I wanted to make things, paint things, envision things and see them come to life. I wanted to work for an organization like Make-A-Wish, Habitat for Humanity, Ronald McDonald House. I remember once, to my mother's horror, saying that my dream job would have me wearing a cap and carrying a clipboard. [at the time I was watching one of the first FedEx commercials] I wanted to be a helicopter pilot. I wanted to ride horses, to live near the water. I wanted to study psychology, and be a social worker.
Sitting in that small group, all of my dreams washed over me, gently, soothingly, and I admitted what was most on my heart. I was discouraged from all of my biggest dreams; not always directly, and not always logically, but I was a kid. And a kid bent on pleasing somebody - anybody. Unfortunately, no one had ever encouraged me to be me, to understand that I have worth, that my dreams matter. No one told me that I matter. I don't even know if anyone 'in authority' knew that I was terrified of auditioning - so much so that when I came to the realization about a year ago that an audition is very similar to a job interview, I nearly fainted. Instead, I was reminded that I "hated school" (a half-truth; I hated not being myself, and being a teenager, it was safe to blame school); UN appointments were relatively short-term; work travel and family don't mix; I wasn't taking a science; non-profits don't have paid employees; "none of these options are appropriate for an intelligent and attractive young woman like you." None of my dreams were appropriate for me.
Being a mom has been the most rewarding and challenging career choice. It's not been without its sacrifices, and I would not change any of the choices I've made. Are there things I wish had turned out differently? Some. However, the truth is, They are fine young men, amazing to watch in everything they do, and I'm honored to know them. They've taught me more than they will ever realize, and because of them, I will be able to finally, somehow, follow some of my dreams. Because of them, when I look at all the dreams I had (when I was right where they are now), I realize that my real ideal - what I shared with my small group - is somewhere in the family of project management for an organization like Habitat. I was afraid to share the realization with them, but suddenly the air was alive with ideas, suggestions, affirmations. I was surprised, and taken aback. I don't recall ever having been in so supportive a spot. These new people in my life, with whom I share rather tenuous connection, told me where where they saw the connections in my life to this newborn dream. And they made me feel loved. In the space of minutes, they had me working internationally, on a schedule that fit my entire family, as well as all the fun things I like to do: dance, sew, write, paint. In those moments, they gave me a clipboard, a cap, a passport full of stamps, and a couple of new languages. A sense of being, and gave my wildest dreams life. More than even encouraging me, they supported me. My heart and I are on our way.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
yes, it counts
This week I attended a training that felt like a turning point in my life. The funny thing is, within moments of the class beginning, I was annoyed. The training was on Project Management; an area of management theory with which I had about zero exposure to. Practical application, however, is another story, and that's where my annoyance came into play. There were interns in the room, and the statement was made that since they were "only students" they obviously had little to no PM experience, and any of us who were not management level likely had a fairly small amount of experience. Mom that I am, I immediately felt defensive for the interns--as far as I could tell, from my fairly recent college classes and watching and guiding my own kids, students use a ton of Project Management skills. Oh, and did I mention I felt particularly Mom-like? I also took the comment a little personally. Isn't raising a family of four children a major Project?
The first day of the class slowly proved me wrong. There are few times when I have dealt with deliverables or work breakdown structures. Unless getting everyone to games/practice/performances/church in one piece, and relatively in a reasonable state of mind counts as a deliverable! The first day also involved group work--not one of my favorite activities!
The second day was more my speed. Scheduling and finding critical paths, slack and float, all added up to the way I have always organized my work, my play, my life. I sent my husband a text: "I. Love. This." And he responded that he was not surprised. He has often told me that he sees me as a business analyst, and in his experience, the two go hand in hand. Quite a few years ago, we had an addition put on the house. The contractor told me one day about the next phase of the project, and the research he would be doing at home prior to getting my input. His wife had recently had a baby, and I knew what it was like to have a newborn, and a husband who had to work after work. I sat at our computer and did the research while he continued to work, and by the end of the day had taken care of the decisions that would have to be made, and had made up a loose schedule of dates that would work, based on what he had told me. At his daily wrap-up, he told us that I would make a fantastic project manager. I've always wondered just what that meant.
While I'd love to get certified, or get a degree in project management, it's likely a dream that will stay more nebulous than real. I'm satisfied--for now--knowing that I not only know the skills and have the tools for project management, but that I've been using them for ages without giving them a second thought. Hopefully, there will be other classes, and practical applications that relate to 'worker me.' In the meantime, here's one more reason why Momming is a valid section on my resume.
I'm not the one that needs convincing, though!
The first day of the class slowly proved me wrong. There are few times when I have dealt with deliverables or work breakdown structures. Unless getting everyone to games/practice/performances/church in one piece, and relatively in a reasonable state of mind counts as a deliverable! The first day also involved group work--not one of my favorite activities!
The second day was more my speed. Scheduling and finding critical paths, slack and float, all added up to the way I have always organized my work, my play, my life. I sent my husband a text: "I. Love. This." And he responded that he was not surprised. He has often told me that he sees me as a business analyst, and in his experience, the two go hand in hand. Quite a few years ago, we had an addition put on the house. The contractor told me one day about the next phase of the project, and the research he would be doing at home prior to getting my input. His wife had recently had a baby, and I knew what it was like to have a newborn, and a husband who had to work after work. I sat at our computer and did the research while he continued to work, and by the end of the day had taken care of the decisions that would have to be made, and had made up a loose schedule of dates that would work, based on what he had told me. At his daily wrap-up, he told us that I would make a fantastic project manager. I've always wondered just what that meant.
While I'd love to get certified, or get a degree in project management, it's likely a dream that will stay more nebulous than real. I'm satisfied--for now--knowing that I not only know the skills and have the tools for project management, but that I've been using them for ages without giving them a second thought. Hopefully, there will be other classes, and practical applications that relate to 'worker me.' In the meantime, here's one more reason why Momming is a valid section on my resume.
I'm not the one that needs convincing, though!
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
no crystal ball
Yesterday, I sat in a room full of professionals wondering just what they all know, and how they got to where they are. I listened to a former co-worker talk about his new position, and still daydreaming about an interview in a faraway place.
It got me thinking about my own future, yet again. For so many years, I have thought about my life in parts and pieces--work, home, faith were all separate parts of my life, so naturally should be developed individually, right? I've been coming to realize that I would really prefer that all the facets of my person need to be cultivated in a common direction as one glorious gem, sparkling in the light. While this has been coming together in my mind, my heart is lagging a wee bit behind...a resistance to a mindset that I have a difficult time admitting to. Sitting in that room, I felt a little of that barrier crumbling (it felt good!), and let my mind wander into wishes and daydreams.
The result was a series of related thoughts about travel, learning, knowledge, trust and risk. I've been yearning for a train trip for the past year or so, and had been intrigued by the work of passenger service. I remembered that I want to look into flight lessons for our son, who recently asked how much they are, and I wondered when that motorcycle safety class is going to be offered next. But mostly I realized that I am ready to tackle something new. The following text exchange between me and my husband:
So, here's what I'm thinking: I wanna find a challenge.
What's that mean?
Not sure, exactly. Pondering.
Twenty minutes later, I got an email from a job posting site that I've subscribed to since 2010 or so:
"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."
~Steve Jobs
I saw this as confirmation. I've been thinking so much lately, and working on coming to grips with what I really do feel is where I should be going. The words I hear in my mind surprise and thrill me, but are such a deviation from what I thought I wanted that I have a hard time qualifying them.
My status update last night:
Had a good day, and somewhere along the way, realized I'm ready for the challenge. I'm just not quite clear what that means yet.... :)
Encouragement and suggestions followed, and I know I always have support. What I know for sure is that I need to open myself a little bit more. In the meantime, I've scheduled my exam for work, which could lead to any manner of changes and challenges, and I will continue to pray and ponder. I'm anxious and antsy, and for the first time in a very long time, that results in excitement about the anticipation. Active involvement in this carving, cutting and shaping is making me feel so alive!
It got me thinking about my own future, yet again. For so many years, I have thought about my life in parts and pieces--work, home, faith were all separate parts of my life, so naturally should be developed individually, right? I've been coming to realize that I would really prefer that all the facets of my person need to be cultivated in a common direction as one glorious gem, sparkling in the light. While this has been coming together in my mind, my heart is lagging a wee bit behind...a resistance to a mindset that I have a difficult time admitting to. Sitting in that room, I felt a little of that barrier crumbling (it felt good!), and let my mind wander into wishes and daydreams.
The result was a series of related thoughts about travel, learning, knowledge, trust and risk. I've been yearning for a train trip for the past year or so, and had been intrigued by the work of passenger service. I remembered that I want to look into flight lessons for our son, who recently asked how much they are, and I wondered when that motorcycle safety class is going to be offered next. But mostly I realized that I am ready to tackle something new. The following text exchange between me and my husband:
So, here's what I'm thinking: I wanna find a challenge.
What's that mean?
Not sure, exactly. Pondering.
Twenty minutes later, I got an email from a job posting site that I've subscribed to since 2010 or so:
"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."
~Steve Jobs
I saw this as confirmation. I've been thinking so much lately, and working on coming to grips with what I really do feel is where I should be going. The words I hear in my mind surprise and thrill me, but are such a deviation from what I thought I wanted that I have a hard time qualifying them.
My status update last night:
Had a good day, and somewhere along the way, realized I'm ready for the challenge. I'm just not quite clear what that means yet.... :)
Encouragement and suggestions followed, and I know I always have support. What I know for sure is that I need to open myself a little bit more. In the meantime, I've scheduled my exam for work, which could lead to any manner of changes and challenges, and I will continue to pray and ponder. I'm anxious and antsy, and for the first time in a very long time, that results in excitement about the anticipation. Active involvement in this carving, cutting and shaping is making me feel so alive!
Monday, September 3, 2012
out the door
Some days, saying good-bye is not all that difficult. Today, for instance, as I listened to rain fall on the canvas awning, all I could hear were silver dollars plinking down, and that made walking away at the end of the day particularly satisfying. And the fact that there will only be one more walk away is even more gratifying.
So much of what I have learned about myself has been related to a frustrating atmosphere. Yet I understand that is appropriate. Learning my limits, facing my limitations, forcing my boundaries, -- all lessons borne of frustration, to a certain extent.
Not everything has been so difficult. Most of the planning, teaching, training and relating has been, at least most of the time, enjoyable and even easy for me. I've enjoyed working with both kids and adults, and even made some wonderful friends. I will never turn my back, but I am happy to walk away; to close the door and look for the next open one.
No, the frustration has been singular and intense, and has left quite a bitter taste in my mouth. I feel used, and at the same time, unseen--neither of which sits well with me! I am not to be ignored, minimized, overlooked. These are things I fight tooth and nail, in my own quiet way. I've made my case, spoken my mind, and what happens next is my own; my choice, my future, my lessons learned.
Best of all, though, I have my family and true friends to love an support me. My husband and sons who have heard all my stories, laughing and grumbling right along with me. And my dear friends who have asked, in turn, how it's all going, and have been able to relate each of my experiences to one of their own. I truly am blessed to have learned so much--about myself, about life, about others.
And I'm ready to move forward with that knowledge.
So much of what I have learned about myself has been related to a frustrating atmosphere. Yet I understand that is appropriate. Learning my limits, facing my limitations, forcing my boundaries, -- all lessons borne of frustration, to a certain extent.
Not everything has been so difficult. Most of the planning, teaching, training and relating has been, at least most of the time, enjoyable and even easy for me. I've enjoyed working with both kids and adults, and even made some wonderful friends. I will never turn my back, but I am happy to walk away; to close the door and look for the next open one.
No, the frustration has been singular and intense, and has left quite a bitter taste in my mouth. I feel used, and at the same time, unseen--neither of which sits well with me! I am not to be ignored, minimized, overlooked. These are things I fight tooth and nail, in my own quiet way. I've made my case, spoken my mind, and what happens next is my own; my choice, my future, my lessons learned.
Best of all, though, I have my family and true friends to love an support me. My husband and sons who have heard all my stories, laughing and grumbling right along with me. And my dear friends who have asked, in turn, how it's all going, and have been able to relate each of my experiences to one of their own. I truly am blessed to have learned so much--about myself, about life, about others.
And I'm ready to move forward with that knowledge.
Monday, July 30, 2012
on the fence
This morning, I have an interview. It's been a while since I've been interviewed for a job--more recently, I've been the interviewer, and I really enjoy that position at the table. This, not so much. And for a number of reasons, first of which is that I really do love my current jobs. Okay, so the summer one gets to me, but I love most of the people I work with, I love the work that I do there, I love my staff, it's mostly the commute and the fact that it's seasonal.
Mostly, I wish life, the world, the times were different, and that I had made, or been guided to make, different decisions in my life. But only sometimes. Whenever I think that, I look around myself and see where I am. I have four great kids, two nutty dogs, a house that I love (for all its faults!), two jobs that, in all honesty, offer me supreme flexibility for the aforementioned, and a husband who is walking this road with me. I am lucky, blessed, fortunate. My life is far from perfect, and lately more like novella than I find comfortable, but it is my life.
Why do I have this interview, then? Because sometimes it's more important to "have." With Jonathan heading off to college, and Henry following suit in just two years, we have different needs than we had before. I'm still struggling with it: a full-time job for the stability, or keep what I have and find a part-time evening job for flexibility? And would that really offer flexibility? What about my kids? That's always the biggest question: what about my kids?
Yesterday, vocations came up. Above all else, I am a Momma. It is more than just motherhood--I have long known it is my vocation. It was not a "choice" that I wanted to be a Mom when I grew up; it was a calling. I don't know why. Ours is not to question why, to paraphrase Tennyson, right? My duty, though, is to nurture. Perhaps that's why I'm a pretty good manager. Certainly, that is why I am unsure and nervous today. I don't know if this is the right thing to do; or, really, what is the right thing to do.
So I will do what I know. I will follow the interview advice of a dear friend, and be myself, and be honest about what I am looking for. What I am needing. And we'll take it from there. Wish me luck...
Mostly, I wish life, the world, the times were different, and that I had made, or been guided to make, different decisions in my life. But only sometimes. Whenever I think that, I look around myself and see where I am. I have four great kids, two nutty dogs, a house that I love (for all its faults!), two jobs that, in all honesty, offer me supreme flexibility for the aforementioned, and a husband who is walking this road with me. I am lucky, blessed, fortunate. My life is far from perfect, and lately more like novella than I find comfortable, but it is my life.
Why do I have this interview, then? Because sometimes it's more important to "have." With Jonathan heading off to college, and Henry following suit in just two years, we have different needs than we had before. I'm still struggling with it: a full-time job for the stability, or keep what I have and find a part-time evening job for flexibility? And would that really offer flexibility? What about my kids? That's always the biggest question: what about my kids?
Yesterday, vocations came up. Above all else, I am a Momma. It is more than just motherhood--I have long known it is my vocation. It was not a "choice" that I wanted to be a Mom when I grew up; it was a calling. I don't know why. Ours is not to question why, to paraphrase Tennyson, right? My duty, though, is to nurture. Perhaps that's why I'm a pretty good manager. Certainly, that is why I am unsure and nervous today. I don't know if this is the right thing to do; or, really, what is the right thing to do.
So I will do what I know. I will follow the interview advice of a dear friend, and be myself, and be honest about what I am looking for. What I am needing. And we'll take it from there. Wish me luck...
Monday, October 10, 2011
a wonderous avocation
The Buddha says, "Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it." I have the quote hanging on my mirror, and I've seen it every day for about a year. Yet the full meaning didn't occur to me until yoga class today.
~~this little light of mine~~
One of the differences between going to a yoga class and practicing at home on my own is the prompt to set an intention for the day's practice. At home alone, it's so easy to forget, or even purposely skip this important step in the process. Today, we were encouraged to set an intention related to something we love to do, and that we would like to make our life's work, or if we are already working at our life's dream, how we can more fully open up to the universal ability to find true happiness. As I considered this, Shani went on to encourage us to open up and search less diligently, thereby allowing that for which we search to appear before us.
~~I'm gonna let it shine~~
I love practicing yoga because there is peace and stillness inside me that I don't always recognize or honor. Some days, I'm too busy or rushed to sneak in the 20-30 minutes from Yoga Download, even though when I do fit it in, I feel like a better person. The focus on balance and breathing brings me back to my center, back to the me that I like to be. When I am centered and balanced, I can see my happiness, and it's not in 'stuff' at all. My life's work, my world, is to create. I am at peace with the possibility that I may not ever make enough money to live off of, but it is very important for me to give myself to creating.
~~this little light of mine~~
In the meditation today, we were encouraged to surround ourselves with people and circumstances that make our life's work possible. Without realizing that I was working toward this moment, I have been so surrounding myself since my father died. A friend who is a minister told me one day, when I confided that I was getting a little tired of people saying they knew 'exactly' how I felt, and that I should just 'move on,' that if they were not being kind, there was no reason to keep them. Ever since, I've been a bit more selective. More guarded, at times, but really just more aware of the fact that I am me, and I intend always to be me, and only me. As a result, I create more for fun, and I also have "discovered" two opportunities to find homes for my creations (as random and varied as they may be), and I have a blog. What more could I ask for?
~~I'm gonna let it shine~~
Why did this strike such a chord with me, since I was well on my way on my own? All because of one big, wonderful, daunting word. My Buddha quote tells me that I should find my heart's happiness, but this morning, this was posed as our "responsibility." That changes everything! All this time, I've been looking rather nonchalantly--yet finding success, albeit moderate success. Imagine if I had seen creating--my world--as a responsibility rather than as something I find to be fun, entertaining, relaxing, centering. My life could change, and I am open to it, open to the universal aid of those before me and those ahead. Good things will happen, I'm sure of it, and in my spare time, to boot.
~~let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!~~
~~this little light of mine~~
One of the differences between going to a yoga class and practicing at home on my own is the prompt to set an intention for the day's practice. At home alone, it's so easy to forget, or even purposely skip this important step in the process. Today, we were encouraged to set an intention related to something we love to do, and that we would like to make our life's work, or if we are already working at our life's dream, how we can more fully open up to the universal ability to find true happiness. As I considered this, Shani went on to encourage us to open up and search less diligently, thereby allowing that for which we search to appear before us.
~~I'm gonna let it shine~~
I love practicing yoga because there is peace and stillness inside me that I don't always recognize or honor. Some days, I'm too busy or rushed to sneak in the 20-30 minutes from Yoga Download, even though when I do fit it in, I feel like a better person. The focus on balance and breathing brings me back to my center, back to the me that I like to be. When I am centered and balanced, I can see my happiness, and it's not in 'stuff' at all. My life's work, my world, is to create. I am at peace with the possibility that I may not ever make enough money to live off of, but it is very important for me to give myself to creating.
~~this little light of mine~~
In the meditation today, we were encouraged to surround ourselves with people and circumstances that make our life's work possible. Without realizing that I was working toward this moment, I have been so surrounding myself since my father died. A friend who is a minister told me one day, when I confided that I was getting a little tired of people saying they knew 'exactly' how I felt, and that I should just 'move on,' that if they were not being kind, there was no reason to keep them. Ever since, I've been a bit more selective. More guarded, at times, but really just more aware of the fact that I am me, and I intend always to be me, and only me. As a result, I create more for fun, and I also have "discovered" two opportunities to find homes for my creations (as random and varied as they may be), and I have a blog. What more could I ask for?
~~I'm gonna let it shine~~
Why did this strike such a chord with me, since I was well on my way on my own? All because of one big, wonderful, daunting word. My Buddha quote tells me that I should find my heart's happiness, but this morning, this was posed as our "responsibility." That changes everything! All this time, I've been looking rather nonchalantly--yet finding success, albeit moderate success. Imagine if I had seen creating--my world--as a responsibility rather than as something I find to be fun, entertaining, relaxing, centering. My life could change, and I am open to it, open to the universal aid of those before me and those ahead. Good things will happen, I'm sure of it, and in my spare time, to boot.
~~let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!~~
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Happy birthday to you!!
Twice, I started writing about my son's birthday today. How hard could that be, anyway?
I'll tell you how hard. Jonathan is a great kid. Actually, that's not true, because he is hardly a "kid" anymore. As his mother, it's sometimes hard to see him as an almost adult. Yet when I hear his coaches say that he is a "fine young man," I still see the schoolboy that we would say that about. I frequently step back and look at him, trying to see the person others see. Sometimes it's possible, other times, not so much. Then again, sometimes he behaves like that schoolboy!
I took the day off work today, but he's on the football team, which started pre-season practice yesterday. Between his two practices today, he will work at the pool. Normally, we celebrate with a meal of the birthday person's choice, cake, ice cream, the whole deal. This morning when he left, I asked what--and when!--he'd like to eat today. "I'll text you," he said. We might see him before dark tonight. Next year, he may already be at college on his birthday, celebrating with new friends that are really still strangers. How quickly time has passed!
As I have mentioned, I always wanted to be a Mom. When Jonathan was born, I remember wondering just what I'd gotten myself into. Babies are tough to work with, and can be so stressful to live with! I loved him to pieces, but sometimes thought I was crazy to have ever wanted this for my life. It was frustrating that a "great day" was one in which I had managed to shower, dress and brush my teeth in the nine hours that Guy was gone. "It'll get easier," so many people kept telling me, but the truth is, it never gets easier, just different. There is so much to think about; so much to remember on any given day. Being a Mom is harder work than anything else I've ever done, and I can't imagine not having it as my true occupation; my calling.
I've talked about wanting to see results; to finish projects and let them go. At the same time, I would trade nothing about this Mom job. I do see the results of my work: the man Jonathan is becoming, and his brothers, too. And I see the woman I am ever evolving into, in many ways because of them. My kids as "projects"--a concept that many will most certainly find offensive, but it's just a word. They are individuals, of course, and in all honesty, I have very little to do with who they are, yet our influence indeed has molded them. True projects, I learned in writing two papers a month for two years, often take on a personality of their own and determine their own direction, no matter how hard you try to control the outcome. I love that about everything I work on, and especially about the boys. Jonathan has not arrived at a point I expected, or even would have wanted him to; instead, we have traveled a crazy path together to arrive at a really amazing place.
See what I mean? There are no words that adequately fit this day. Everything just misses. What's so important about birthdays and the people that we love that makes words not enough? Or is it just that the simple words can say so much? Words like:
Happy Birthday, Jonathan!
I love you!
Thank you for being my son.
I'm so proud of you.
I can't wait to see what's next.
Those are the things that really say everything about this Mom job, and about Jonathan being my "prototype." Thankfully, I think Guy and Jonathan know what I'm talking about. This job, the projects we work on, is based on love, and with that comes joy, pain, sorrow, hope, happiness, laughter--everything I could ever want out of life. It's all about the gravy.
I'll tell you how hard. Jonathan is a great kid. Actually, that's not true, because he is hardly a "kid" anymore. As his mother, it's sometimes hard to see him as an almost adult. Yet when I hear his coaches say that he is a "fine young man," I still see the schoolboy that we would say that about. I frequently step back and look at him, trying to see the person others see. Sometimes it's possible, other times, not so much. Then again, sometimes he behaves like that schoolboy!
I took the day off work today, but he's on the football team, which started pre-season practice yesterday. Between his two practices today, he will work at the pool. Normally, we celebrate with a meal of the birthday person's choice, cake, ice cream, the whole deal. This morning when he left, I asked what--and when!--he'd like to eat today. "I'll text you," he said. We might see him before dark tonight. Next year, he may already be at college on his birthday, celebrating with new friends that are really still strangers. How quickly time has passed!
As I have mentioned, I always wanted to be a Mom. When Jonathan was born, I remember wondering just what I'd gotten myself into. Babies are tough to work with, and can be so stressful to live with! I loved him to pieces, but sometimes thought I was crazy to have ever wanted this for my life. It was frustrating that a "great day" was one in which I had managed to shower, dress and brush my teeth in the nine hours that Guy was gone. "It'll get easier," so many people kept telling me, but the truth is, it never gets easier, just different. There is so much to think about; so much to remember on any given day. Being a Mom is harder work than anything else I've ever done, and I can't imagine not having it as my true occupation; my calling.
I've talked about wanting to see results; to finish projects and let them go. At the same time, I would trade nothing about this Mom job. I do see the results of my work: the man Jonathan is becoming, and his brothers, too. And I see the woman I am ever evolving into, in many ways because of them. My kids as "projects"--a concept that many will most certainly find offensive, but it's just a word. They are individuals, of course, and in all honesty, I have very little to do with who they are, yet our influence indeed has molded them. True projects, I learned in writing two papers a month for two years, often take on a personality of their own and determine their own direction, no matter how hard you try to control the outcome. I love that about everything I work on, and especially about the boys. Jonathan has not arrived at a point I expected, or even would have wanted him to; instead, we have traveled a crazy path together to arrive at a really amazing place.
See what I mean? There are no words that adequately fit this day. Everything just misses. What's so important about birthdays and the people that we love that makes words not enough? Or is it just that the simple words can say so much? Words like:
Happy Birthday, Jonathan!
I love you!
Thank you for being my son.
I'm so proud of you.
I can't wait to see what's next.
Those are the things that really say everything about this Mom job, and about Jonathan being my "prototype." Thankfully, I think Guy and Jonathan know what I'm talking about. This job, the projects we work on, is based on love, and with that comes joy, pain, sorrow, hope, happiness, laughter--everything I could ever want out of life. It's all about the gravy.
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