We did this morning's run last night. Travel gets in the way of routine, usually in a good way. This morning, Guy drove south to put Mom on a plane west, and Jonathan and I will drive north to visit colleges. Although I'm looking forward to the trip, a part of me still wishes it would be a family vacation. Working summers puts a cramp in that "summer vacation" groove. This is beginning to sound melancholy, but that's not how I feel at all!
So many times I hear people say how sad they are about their children heading off to college. I am so excited for Jonathan! I remember choosing a college and a major, shopping and packing, driving off and moving in. What an amazing transitional time college is! On one's own, but with a safe haven to return to; meeting people from all over, and choosing who to associate with closely, and who to keep at arm's length; that feeling of having a hand in one's future for the first time, truly. I love turning points!
Not too long ago, Jonathan was not terribly interested in looking at colleges. He wanted to go, but felt pressured to choose. At first, I didn't understand, and felt, for the first time, that we could not talk it out. It took a while, but he finally told me that he didn't know who and what he wanted to be; that it's not fair or right that he should have to plan his entire future when he is sixteen years old. To his surprise, I agreed. Because I don't think it's fair or right, either.
Certainly, there are people who know all their lives that they want to be doctors, nurses, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers, but I was not one of them myself. Or rather, I was, but there was no college major that could make me a Momma. That's who I always wanted to be. I went to college and chose a major based on what was expected of me. Aptitude tests and the suggestions of the adults around me determined my original major: Hotel/Restaurant Management. I changed to Recreation/Leisure Management when it became clear to me that I was not cut out for a 24-hour, out of the house job. In all honesty, I should have started over with one of my dreams: dance, photography, helicopters, international law.....but it just wasn't something I could do at the time. The last thing I ever wanted to do was disappoint. Who? Anyone. At the time, I was far more concerned with disappointing others than I was with letting myself down. I don't want that for my children.
With my boys, I try to talk about options, and the whys and hows. I encourage them to talk to others about their experiences and the paths that led them where they are. I tell them about the choices I have made, the sacrifices that have resulted, and the dreams I have yet to reach for. The far-fetched, I've learned, are sometimes the best and most relative ideas--the ones that truly reflect one's potential. The last thing I want is for fear to dictate who and what my children become. My sons, you cannot disappoint me if you are true to yourselves.
Some may read this and misunderstand, thinking that I have regrets, that I am bitter, or sad. The truth is, I would not be who I am if not for these experiences and realizations. Life is a lesson, a series of them, really, and I am a learner. Sometimes I try to explain myself as a teacher, but that's only because "learner" is harder to explain, to qualify. Recently, I've been working on doing less explaining and qualifying. I've been working on listening to myself, as well as those around me. I still have so much to learn, and I want to continue to learn right along with my sons.
Two colleges in three days. Visiting the schools is important, but what I'm most looking forward to is the time in the car with Jonathan; the talks, the music, the growing up we will both do this weekend, and every day forward.
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