fears: part 1 : a corollary

A dear friend reminded me that there is a distinction between being "alone" and being "lonely," and that "it's not uncommon for people to feel lonely when surrounded by others." My response: "I have been lonely, and I did not like it one bit--that's when I decided I needed to be me enough to like being around me. It's made a world of difference. And I no longer feel like I need to make excuses about being alone."

The fact of the matter is, I have been so lonely at times that I have been concerned about my own behavior. I remember the times growing up when I felt so lonely, I didn't know what could possibly make me feel like I belong anywhere. The friend I just mentioned was actually one of the reasons I could decide to like myself. Thanks to her, and a few other key people in my life when I've hit those lonely times, I have the strength to be happy today.

Loneliness is inevitable. We all get lonely for various reasons, some of which seem real and important to others, and some which seem trivial. Even if the fear of being alone is really a fear of loneliness, I do not fear it. I can face it. Head on. I do not use loneliness, or the fear of it, as an excuse for my behavior--or misbehavior--in any given situation. Feeling lonely in a group, whether a crowd or a couple, happens, and hurts. A lot or a little is irrelevant; hurt is hurt, and sometimes is accidental and can't be helped. (I seem to remember discussing this in one of my classes.....) I tend to use that loneliness to learn about myself, and to determine what's important to me.

However, feeling loneliness, and having no idea how to cope with it, is a sign that you need to find some help. Seek out a friend, a confidante, a bartender, a stranger at a bus stop, and talk to them. Get a referral for therapy. Something and someone to help you be better able to handle those times. But for heaven's sake, choose someone appropriate--someone who does not become something to hide behind, someone you use to just plain prevent loneliness or being alone. Please, get some real help with overcoming, or at the very least, dealing with, that debilitating fear.