hang in there

I was told today -- twice -- that I am "probably intimidating." I found that to be very interesting, as that word did not come to mind when I was trying to quickly come up with a word that others would use to describe me; although it should have. I've been told many times that I am intimidating, but this was different.

To be honest, when I heard it the first time today, it bothered me a little. I felt like I'd been attacked. Okay, it bothered me a lot, and I had to repeatedly tell myself not to think about it. Which, of course, led me to think about it quite a bit this morning! By the time I was told the second time, by someone else, I was pretty amused by the 'coincidence.' And I also wondered if perhaps I had stumbled upon the source of the first instance.

I do intimidate. Not consciously, unless I have a reason to -- and sometimes I have had very good reasons to! The comment reminded me of a thread I was involved in a few days ago, involving a theme of "smart is sexy." While I've heard this (male) friend make this comment before, the company was different, and ultimately led to a discussion of teenage girls finding the need to 'hide' their intelligence from the world (not just from men, as possible mates, but from other women, too, all of whom might become 'intimidated.') The trouble is, I know stuff. Stuff stays in my head, bounces around a bit, and sooner or later bumps into something else up there to make a lively new idea. When those ideas get a bit crowded, or when the topic comes up, they spill out. Sometimes they pop out when the timing is weird, and I end up babbling on for a good long time to my unsuspecting husband and/or children about something they either don't care about or don't really need to know. Last night, I found my thoughts bouncing around and into a former bundle of 'choreographer' thoughts, and literally said to myself, "I wish I still taught dance. I could so use this." The bundle and the associated thoughts may or may not have trickled out with a stray tear; I don't know because I was on to the next filament.

Knowing stuff is one thing; sharing it is what leads to that intimidation trap. Why is that? Why are people intimidated by people who know stuff? I, for one, am fascinated by people who know things that I don't know -- especially when they are willing to share their knowledge. I'm like a sponge with information and knowledge. Most of the time it matters little to me if it's even anything I can use! I like to learn. I like to listen. I like to talk, too, sometimes. All my life I've been aware that if I don't talk, I probably won't intimidate, stand out, offend. Most of the time, I manage to keep quiet in unknown company. I'm really not very good at keeping quiet, though, especially when someone is trying to intimidate me or someone else.

While I don't like to tip my hand often, I also don't like people who try to throw their weight around through random facts. I step in, ask a question, offer a bit of my own knowledge. I'd like to say that most of the time the result is a more civil conversation or argument. However, that is far from the case. Purposefully verbal intimidators (aka: bullies) do not take well to anyone noticing their tricks, or showing their own knowledge. They don't like smarts, and they tend to really not like bright women.

I am not afraid to show my intelligence. I was about to say that I'm not sure what the turning point was for me, shifting from hiding my mind to speaking it, but then I realized that's not entirely true. I distinctly remember making the decision to lay it all on the line, to say just what I was thinking and just what I know to be true, and to ask the questions that would help to fill in the blanks. It was, interestingly, the day before the first time my husband said, "I love you." What I remember most about that day, that moment, is the shock that I felt: I'd been sure my self-assurance, confidence, and intelligence would be a major turn-off to this guy that I found so appealing. It was my first encounter with the idea that "smart is sexy." From time to time, he's told me that my mind intimidates him, too, but he's found (or continues to work on) the balance between frustration and admiration that is the key to our relationship. I work on it, too, all the time. He knows things that I have tried so hard to understand, too! Best of all, our conversations never bore me because of the mental sharing we do, along with the emotional sharing and the mundane, daily details. All of it is fed by our shared intelligence.

Do I intimidate everyone? By no means. In fact, one of the people who told me that I might be intimidating to someone also said, "I don't find you to be at all intimidating. And I don't mean to offend you by that. You just don't have it in you." She is, by the way, an extraordinarily intelligent woman herself. Perhaps, the biggest factor in who is intimidated by me is the fact that I am not easily visibly intimidated. I get all kinds of quivery inside -- often! -- with confrontation or a display of peacock feathers, but I find no reason to show it if I have facts and "right" on my side.

An interesting conglomerate of thoughts for the day, to say the least.