Yesterday, I awoke with a pain in my soul, caused, in part, by a random and unusual outburst the night before. The pain took the form of doubt and fear, snaking through the recesses of my mind like Eden's serpent. As a result, I was more than just cranky from less sleep than I would have liked; I was downright bearlike, growling and snapping at everything. Not my finest day. The upside is that in trying to steer clear of everyone around me, I got quite a bit accomplished (turkey chili, turkey noodle soup, laundry, dishes), but, as I am never very good at steering clear, I also exploded occasionally at the boys.
When I got a text -- "My children serve tonight. Interested in Jojos or somethin'?" -- I cried. They were tears of ultimate frustration. Our children serve on different teams at Mass, and when either have Saturday night, we try to plan a get-together afterwards. These times are always refreshing, lighthearted, and fun. I was feeling none of these things, and couldn't even envision any kind of improvement in my mood for a very long time. Which I knew could only be the worst kind of self-fulfilling. At first, I simply ignored the message. I didn't even want to leave the house until I would be forced to, but I finally texted back that I was in the foulest of foul moods. I couldn't see myself being any kind of good company. But we had planned on going to Mass at 5:30, and I couldn't see depriving everyone of the multi-leveled refreshment. That would be far too selfish of me. If I couldn't shake it, I could always hide in the bathroom or something.
Twelve people (seven of them the kids and our niece), two bottles of wine, four pizzas (especially tasty last night!), Twitter, Facebook, a "gift jar/hat" and about two hours of conversation later, I felt like a new woman. Alive, loving, loved, renewed. Well worth the risk, as friendship usually is. We are truly blessed to consider each other family, as well as friends. Days like yesterday are when I realize how important that is.
I have a tendency, as many people do, I'm sure, to close myself in when I'm in a bad mood. I knew I should probably call someone, just to chat, but when I have that kind of ugliness behind my eyes, I figure I will likely say something ugly or regrettable. In the end, will my friends judge me for that? Probably not. And when I feel that way, like I don't even want to know myself, I always think later of who would have helped me through -- by chatting with me on the phone, or insisting that I drop everything and do something for my soul. Why do I close in so much? Why do I resist the very things that will help me to feel better, to melt the icy rock of acerbity? I wanted to do yoga: the general stretching, if nothing else, would have forced a little bit of balance. I kept finding excuses that I couldn't -- this floor still needed to be cleaned, the chili needed to be stirred, the laundry needed to be folded -- so I felt more and more off-kilter. I didn't even eat, really; a half a slice of pumpkin pie for breakfast, a banana after the grocery store, some turkey skin and some bits of bell pepper while preparing the chili. But there was so much irascibility in my belly that I didn't even notice an emptiness, until I taste-tested the turkey noodle soup. And then had another spoonful. And another.
By then, I had already had Jonathan call to let our friends know we would be joining them (I didn't trust myself even to text a positive response), and had changed (finally) out of the clothes I had slept in. As the soup nourished my body, it also fed my spirit, which began to reopen, to reawaken, to be relieved. Why hadn't I thought to eat earlier? The boys had invited me to lunch, and I refused, but now I realize joining them would likely have broken the mood. Then again, had I gone, I would not have been able to justify the evening out. In the end, it worked out for the best. I just wish the mood had not been there in the first place.
On the way home, I received another text: "I hope we cheered you up!" I was overwhelmed with thankfulness, and texted back simply: "Far more than I thought possible! Thank you! :)"
"...What wonders wine, pizza, and nonsense will do for a soul." My thoughts exactly.
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