building blocks

Over the past couple of days, in my little bits of alone time, something has been coming together. This morning, I ran with the dogs (our usual fourth running mate is out of town), and realized that what I am in the midst of is more than just a change of habits, or way of thinking. What I'm working on is tearing down a basic aspect of who I have always been, and rebuilding it to be stronger and more stable. Although that may sound drastic when put that way, I'm sure you know plenty of people who have done just this, by going to a therapist, following a 12-step program, that sort of thing. My experience is in another area of my life, and so the methods and goals are different.

For reasons I don't yet understand, I have always felt a need to keep separate my 'faith life' and my 'real life.' When I can see why, I might be able to explain why I found them incompatible, these 'sides' of me. Long ago, I would "turn up" my faith when I did things at church--teaching Confirmation classes, singing in the choir, going to daily Mass (and coffee afterwards in the rectory), but at the time, I told myself it was because we lived in New England, far from places where religion was acceptable dinner conversation in mixed company. Interestingly, we lived in an area where there was literally a church on each of four corners of an intersection, and seemingly a church within a mile of wherever you stood. And in between, you were likely to find a synagogue. Looking back, I really missed an opportunity for growth.

But only because I wasn't ready.

Recently a friend of mine said she found herself with so much more to give with regard to her faith. I told her that I feel as though I have nothing left to lose. Today, I'm pretty sure that I was wrong. I have not yet lost myself to my faith; I have not yet broken through to be my faith. I set a better example to myself, I think, but I know that that old nagging feeling is still there. Weaker, but still present. What I know is that I can't just push it down, or turn my back on it. I need to think it through, determine the elements, and change them around. Writing moves me forward.

Last week, I was concerned that when I write, I might force answers, make them up myself, convince myself of something I want to believe. I even determined not to write, just in case. Then a few things happened: some words wouldn't seep through the cracks of my mind; asked politely to be let out. I wrote, and in so doing, remembered my purpose for having this blog. Clarity and Vision. This is my diary of sorts. Not as historically important as Ann Frank's, nor as grand as Faustina's, but it serves the same purpose: to capture some time in a bottle so it can be shaken up and poured back out, refreshing and cool.

"There are no coincidences," I hear often. These thoughts, this question and task crystallized just hours before I read my Minute Meditation this morning:

Observe everything they tell you. But do not follow their example. (Mt 23:3) ... It is not enough to teach the truth and fight for it; it is also necessary to live according to it. Doctrine and life must go together.... [emphasis added] (Naegele, 1982, Minute meditations for each day. p.77)

Confirmation that I am on the right track. Forward on my journey. One step, one day, one piece at a time.