learn, grow, pray

There are times when clarity comes in crumbs, not in big signs. There are times when the clarity comes from saying or doing. And some times when keeping quiet (and wondering why the mouth just won't open) speaks volumes.

Forgiveness was the topic tonight, and the related difficulties: letting go, identifying, drawing that fine line between an important lesson learned and something else. Something like fear, hatred, resentment, bitterness. I've been in a position to feel any and all of those things, yet I found that when I chose to forgive -- honestly forgive -- I found strength. And comfort.

Somehow, we get the feeling that forgiving is giving up, and in some ways I guess it is, if you mean giving up the stuff that eats you up inside. But forgiving is not the same as admitting defeat or defect, it's not weakness. And it doesn't mean that forgetting is necessary, although constant, painful reminders are certainly not beneficial.

For me, the work of healing began with the decision to forgive, followed by a decision to pray for all those involved. (Something I continue to do, though not as often now.) I was (and still am!) amazed at how quickly the memory faded, like an old photograph; a sepia-toned image of another time and place. The scariest part was making that decision to forgive; admitting that I wanted to. Why? I may never know for sure, but I suspect a devilish influence on my emotions. I was tempted to react harshly; to judge without having all the facts.

My point is, as much as it surprises me to say, I'm grateful. Grateful for the experience, the knowledge, the grace, the growth. Without this exercise in forgiveness, there are so many things about myself I wouldn't know. Actually, I'm pretty sure I still don't know the depth of what I've learned, and may not ever. I'd rather not be tested again, but that's not for me to decide. I'll just keep learning, growing, praying.