an open letter to.....
Dear Parent of "Not My Kid,"
I would say that it's nice to meet you, but, honestly, you just make me shake my head after we part company. There are too many of you out there for me to truly believe that your kid exists. If every single one of you has that kid, why are there so many teenagers who die in alcohol-related accidents each year? According to the MADD website, one in five teens binge drinks. That's 1 in 5. In my son's graduating class of 112 students, about 22 kids; and in my sophomore son's class of 123, about 25. In the entire high school, 85 kids, statistically speaking, are binge drinking. From the numbers, you can see that is almost an entire grade level at our little school in our small, "close-knit" community. MADD also points out that only one in 100 parents believes that their child binge drinks. From my experience with you and your adamant "Not MY Kid" attitude, I would have to say that sounds about right. Is there anyone in our town who thinks their kid might be drinking at all, let alone excessively? I suspect my kid, and after the stories I've heard lately, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be making some changes.
Recently, I heard a mom talking about how she checked up on her kid. He had a cell phone, but she always instructed him to call her the old fashioned way, from a land line, when he got where he was going, and when he protested that some of his friends didn't have a land line at their house, she told him to call from the parent's cell phone. Ingenious! Foolproof? No. When, for whatever reason, it wasn't feasible, she would stop by on her way somewhere else, just to say she was passing by--but not every time. And, on occasion, she would call a parent out of the blue to thank them for their hospitality, generosity, etc. There were times when backpedalling was necessary for any of the parties involved. Not every friend, obviously, lives on the way to somewhere reasonable, but just how much arguing can a kid do? Did her kid stay out of trouble? Not completely, but she sure did reduce the amount. She parented.
Ah, but you say your son or daughter will not trust you if you don't let them go and do whatever it is that teens do?? Do you really not remember what it was like to be a teen? Do you not remember at all that feeling that you were invincible; that you were young and alive, and always would be? I do. I remember the risky behavior I participated in, and that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized--not once, but twice--that I may have totally screwed up the rest of my life this time. Not my reputation, or my college opportunities, but seriously my entire future. All for a little bit of fun. Maybe 3 or 4 hours at a time.
Teenagers are stupid and reckless. They are designed that way. They are also designed, in theory, with a fail safe switch called "parents." Not friends. Friends are the people who encourage teens to do things that may or may not be good choices. Friends are there for fun, for listening when teens complain about their parents, teachers and grades, for reflecting, or rather, mirroring. Teenage years are the second set of Monkey See, Monkey Do years. Parenting requires that you guide your children to adulthood, not to mostly adulthood. Teenagers are not adults. I really don't care how "intelligent" they are, or how "responsible" and "trustworthy," there are times when they will falter. Remember those binge drinkers? They started somewhere, sometime. Where were you?
Sure, it's easy to look at your kids' friends and pick out the ones you think are the troublemakers, the partiers, the ringleaders, but who are those kids' parents picking out for each category? Are you being realistic? Objective? Do you want to be? Heck, no, I don't! I want to believe that my kid will always stick to his guns, always do what I expect from him, and will always make me proud. Unfortunately for me (and for my kids) I'm a bit more of a realist than that. So, I'm following another route. Beginning today, I'm checking on my kids more. Yes, that's right, I may show up at your house if any of my kids told me he would be there, or I might call your land line and expect to speak to him. They already know that they're supposed to call me when they goes somewhere, change locations or plans, or if they need assistance of any kind. Unfortunately, when push comes to shove, my kid is not likely to call unless he's alone.
It seems you, in your delusion of your kid being so trustworthy and responsible, do not require these calls from your kid. You believe, or kid yourself, that because your kid has a cell phone, you know where he or she is at all times. That a text is just as good as a phone call--or even better, because then friends don't know it's you! Did you never lie to your parents? Ever?? Don't you think, isn't it possible, that a cell phone might just make it a little bit easier to lie, or at the very least, hide the truth a little? Especially through text.
Don't get me wrong: a cell phone is a great tool in the fight against teenage stupidity, but it is an extra-sharp double-edged sword. And can only be used properly with training and practice. And I also know from my own experience that there is a delicate balance between too much and too little. But I also know that in the end, a little more is appreciated far more than a little less. One of my friends recently told me about taking her son's car. He was out an hour past curfew, with no call (from his cell phone or any other phone), so she and her husband went and got his car. Not him, just his car. Half an hour later, he called, frantic at first, and later angry, and didn't speak to them for two whole days, but he has since told them that "nothing good happens after 11." Pure genius.
I know what you are thinking now, "You don't trust your own kids!" Damn straight. I'm working on giving them opportunities to earn trust. I'm not just giving it away. Are you kidding? It's worth too much! Until it actually happens that my kid calls me from a party and says, "Come get me" instead of telling me afterward that he probably should have, or thought about it, there's no reason to give him a blank check of trust. I love them all too much for that. And I respect them all too much for that, too. Bottom line, I'm not here to befriend them. I enjoy their company, their stories, their friends (even the ones I really think are not the best ones to be hanging around with), and I like them at least as much as I love them, but I have a job to do.
Realizing that my kids will make stupid decisions does not mean that they are excused when they do--or when I find out because they've been caught. It just keeps me from being blindsided. It's much easier to come out standing that way. Take your head out of the sand, stop being so naive, and get on top of your kid so I can stay on mine. That whole "takes a village" concept goes way beyond pre-school carpools.
Sincerely,
Maybe My Kid
No comments:
Post a Comment