by special request....
Dear Me (because I don't want to forget),
What you do today will be emulated. Don't think that no one is paying attention. While you sit here typing this blog, someone is thinking they should be like you. They don't always even know that's what they are thinking--or, quite possibly, they are looking at you and telling themselves that they never want to do what you do. They will. They may beat themselves up about it afterwards, or they may praise you for showing you the way--but that is up to you. Now. And always.
You've been telling your kids how you expect them to behave since they were small babies. Making sure they say "Please" and "Thank you" to everyone, and encouraging them to hold doors open for others. Are you sure that's all you've been showing them?
I remember how amazed and touched I was when my eldest son and my niece both said that going back to college to finish my degree was "so cool!" There was a part of me that worked even harder because I knew they were now depending on me to show them how important college is, and how they would want to know how I was going to prioritize school and life, and if anything would change in regard to how I felt about them. Through some classes, that is what sustained me and kept me from giving up. I need to remember to thank them for that.
I remember, too, the day that my son said to me, "I'm glad you've made some new friends. I've noticed you drink more now, and have fun." That was a blow. Actually, more than that--it made me wonder which made more of an impression on him: my earning a college degree, or the fact that I was consuming more wine than he had ever seen me drink. It wasn't terribly excessive--just a glass or two a couple of times a week, but considering that he had only ever seen me drink wine on holidays, the change was huge. I was shocked. More that it was noticeable enough for him to notice and comment on than because of anything else.
Honestly, I've made changes since that day not long ago. I'd like you to help me make good choices. Just like you expect from the kids. And since you are me, we can work together. There is medical evidence that some alcohol consumption may be beneficial, but that doesn't mean finishing up a bottle of wine just so it "won't go to waste" or because "there's only a little bit left." You know full well that if the wine "skunks" from sitting in the fridge too long, or doesn't taste as good the next day, it will be a perfect flavoring for that stew, risotto, or other fabulous dinner you like to make. We can let it go, and even plan the dinner to put it in.
That glass of wine, or even two, if you're not going anywhere, is something altogether different from a bottle or two. Very different. Keep that in mind. Anything beyond the first few sips, and your kids are watching to see how you are behaving. I've seen it. Shoot, we've even joked about it! So far, I've stopped long before I got stupid, but they are looking for any change in behavior, reaction time, anything. One of the teens, I fear, is watching so he can figure out how to hide it when/if he drinks; the other is just willing to use it as fodder if he ever needs it. The others are not as sure about what they are watching for, but they are training hawk eyes on us just the same.
And for God's sake--every one of those things you have told those kids to do or not do--FOLLOW YOUR OWN ADVICE!! If you ever expect your kid to actually call you when someone has had too much to drink, or is high, or is even just too tired to drive, you had better call them if you find yourself in the same situation. Or call a cab. Or stay put. Or walk home, if there is no body of water or highway along the way. They will do what you do, no matter what you say. No matter what you say.
Remember that time you lost your temper about something really nonsensical, and hoped it would be forgotten (even though you couldn't forget it)? Yeah, that's what showed up in that argument between two of your kids the other day. Did you hear yourself? Thought so. How'd that make you feel? Much different than how they felt when you blew up? It hurt again when you told them to knock it off, too, didn't it? No? That's right, it made you feel guilty.....
And that was not the worst thing you've shown them, was it? But now, do you see what I mean? What you do, how you behave, how you live, that's what makes an impression. Every day. Yeah, it's hard work, and sometimes it's not fun, but they are your kids, your friends' kids, your kids' friends, and they are all watching.
I've always believed that I have as much to learn from my kids as I have to teach them. Why else would God have sent us four boys?? I'm a tough case, and have a heck of a lot to learn!! (I'm only half serious there. I am completely aware that our activities had at least as to do with them being here--and there being four of them!--as any grand plan!) One of the most important things we need to remember at this point is that decisions need to be made with a clear mind, and a clear conscience. We've spent years and so much energy trying to make sure our kids understand that impairment begins with the first drink. Do we? Because we are going to ask our teens if drinking together is really necessary to socialize, we need to ask ourselves the same question. Perhaps there is a problem in the presentation.....
For me, a glass of wine now, as a 42-year-old, self-confident woman, means something very different than the glass I had as a 21-year-old newlywed with my in-laws. Then, admittedly, I had a glass of wine for reasons in addition to liking the wine. I wanted to fit in, and I still felt uncomfortable in this family that I was only beginning to blend into. When I hear kids say they drink to fit in, to be like "everyone else," I honestly do understand. I also know that it didn't work. Instead, I still felt not quite comfortable, and worried that I might have a little too much and do or say something I would regret. Or worse, would embarrass my new husband. I was lucky. None of those things happened. I was LUCKY: any of those things could have happened, or worse. Part of that luck came from the fact that my husband just plain didn't drink. And, although I was a bit insecure then, I was still willing to hold myself accountable. Now when I have a glass of wine or two, the flavor and the experience associated with it are thought out. I am aware of, and take notice of, the taste (a minor thing, really) as well as the physical effects. I am aware. And I purposely stop while I am still aware.
They are watching. Be someone you want them to see.
Sincerely,
Me.
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drinking. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
quit kidding yourself
an open letter to.....
Dear Parent of "Not My Kid,"
I would say that it's nice to meet you, but, honestly, you just make me shake my head after we part company. There are too many of you out there for me to truly believe that your kid exists. If every single one of you has that kid, why are there so many teenagers who die in alcohol-related accidents each year? According to the MADD website, one in five teens binge drinks. That's 1 in 5. In my son's graduating class of 112 students, about 22 kids; and in my sophomore son's class of 123, about 25. In the entire high school, 85 kids, statistically speaking, are binge drinking. From the numbers, you can see that is almost an entire grade level at our little school in our small, "close-knit" community. MADD also points out that only one in 100 parents believes that their child binge drinks. From my experience with you and your adamant "Not MY Kid" attitude, I would have to say that sounds about right. Is there anyone in our town who thinks their kid might be drinking at all, let alone excessively? I suspect my kid, and after the stories I've heard lately, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be making some changes.
Recently, I heard a mom talking about how she checked up on her kid. He had a cell phone, but she always instructed him to call her the old fashioned way, from a land line, when he got where he was going, and when he protested that some of his friends didn't have a land line at their house, she told him to call from the parent's cell phone. Ingenious! Foolproof? No. When, for whatever reason, it wasn't feasible, she would stop by on her way somewhere else, just to say she was passing by--but not every time. And, on occasion, she would call a parent out of the blue to thank them for their hospitality, generosity, etc. There were times when backpedalling was necessary for any of the parties involved. Not every friend, obviously, lives on the way to somewhere reasonable, but just how much arguing can a kid do? Did her kid stay out of trouble? Not completely, but she sure did reduce the amount. She parented.
Ah, but you say your son or daughter will not trust you if you don't let them go and do whatever it is that teens do?? Do you really not remember what it was like to be a teen? Do you not remember at all that feeling that you were invincible; that you were young and alive, and always would be? I do. I remember the risky behavior I participated in, and that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized--not once, but twice--that I may have totally screwed up the rest of my life this time. Not my reputation, or my college opportunities, but seriously my entire future. All for a little bit of fun. Maybe 3 or 4 hours at a time.
Teenagers are stupid and reckless. They are designed that way. They are also designed, in theory, with a fail safe switch called "parents." Not friends. Friends are the people who encourage teens to do things that may or may not be good choices. Friends are there for fun, for listening when teens complain about their parents, teachers and grades, for reflecting, or rather, mirroring. Teenage years are the second set of Monkey See, Monkey Do years. Parenting requires that you guide your children to adulthood, not to mostly adulthood. Teenagers are not adults. I really don't care how "intelligent" they are, or how "responsible" and "trustworthy," there are times when they will falter. Remember those binge drinkers? They started somewhere, sometime. Where were you?
Sure, it's easy to look at your kids' friends and pick out the ones you think are the troublemakers, the partiers, the ringleaders, but who are those kids' parents picking out for each category? Are you being realistic? Objective? Do you want to be? Heck, no, I don't! I want to believe that my kid will always stick to his guns, always do what I expect from him, and will always make me proud. Unfortunately for me (and for my kids) I'm a bit more of a realist than that. So, I'm following another route. Beginning today, I'm checking on my kids more. Yes, that's right, I may show up at your house if any of my kids told me he would be there, or I might call your land line and expect to speak to him. They already know that they're supposed to call me when they goes somewhere, change locations or plans, or if they need assistance of any kind. Unfortunately, when push comes to shove, my kid is not likely to call unless he's alone.
It seems you, in your delusion of your kid being so trustworthy and responsible, do not require these calls from your kid. You believe, or kid yourself, that because your kid has a cell phone, you know where he or she is at all times. That a text is just as good as a phone call--or even better, because then friends don't know it's you! Did you never lie to your parents? Ever?? Don't you think, isn't it possible, that a cell phone might just make it a little bit easier to lie, or at the very least, hide the truth a little? Especially through text.
Don't get me wrong: a cell phone is a great tool in the fight against teenage stupidity, but it is an extra-sharp double-edged sword. And can only be used properly with training and practice. And I also know from my own experience that there is a delicate balance between too much and too little. But I also know that in the end, a little more is appreciated far more than a little less. One of my friends recently told me about taking her son's car. He was out an hour past curfew, with no call (from his cell phone or any other phone), so she and her husband went and got his car. Not him, just his car. Half an hour later, he called, frantic at first, and later angry, and didn't speak to them for two whole days, but he has since told them that "nothing good happens after 11." Pure genius.
I know what you are thinking now, "You don't trust your own kids!" Damn straight. I'm working on giving them opportunities to earn trust. I'm not just giving it away. Are you kidding? It's worth too much! Until it actually happens that my kid calls me from a party and says, "Come get me" instead of telling me afterward that he probably should have, or thought about it, there's no reason to give him a blank check of trust. I love them all too much for that. And I respect them all too much for that, too. Bottom line, I'm not here to befriend them. I enjoy their company, their stories, their friends (even the ones I really think are not the best ones to be hanging around with), and I like them at least as much as I love them, but I have a job to do.
Realizing that my kids will make stupid decisions does not mean that they are excused when they do--or when I find out because they've been caught. It just keeps me from being blindsided. It's much easier to come out standing that way. Take your head out of the sand, stop being so naive, and get on top of your kid so I can stay on mine. That whole "takes a village" concept goes way beyond pre-school carpools.
Sincerely,
Maybe My Kid
Dear Parent of "Not My Kid,"
I would say that it's nice to meet you, but, honestly, you just make me shake my head after we part company. There are too many of you out there for me to truly believe that your kid exists. If every single one of you has that kid, why are there so many teenagers who die in alcohol-related accidents each year? According to the MADD website, one in five teens binge drinks. That's 1 in 5. In my son's graduating class of 112 students, about 22 kids; and in my sophomore son's class of 123, about 25. In the entire high school, 85 kids, statistically speaking, are binge drinking. From the numbers, you can see that is almost an entire grade level at our little school in our small, "close-knit" community. MADD also points out that only one in 100 parents believes that their child binge drinks. From my experience with you and your adamant "Not MY Kid" attitude, I would have to say that sounds about right. Is there anyone in our town who thinks their kid might be drinking at all, let alone excessively? I suspect my kid, and after the stories I've heard lately, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be making some changes.
Recently, I heard a mom talking about how she checked up on her kid. He had a cell phone, but she always instructed him to call her the old fashioned way, from a land line, when he got where he was going, and when he protested that some of his friends didn't have a land line at their house, she told him to call from the parent's cell phone. Ingenious! Foolproof? No. When, for whatever reason, it wasn't feasible, she would stop by on her way somewhere else, just to say she was passing by--but not every time. And, on occasion, she would call a parent out of the blue to thank them for their hospitality, generosity, etc. There were times when backpedalling was necessary for any of the parties involved. Not every friend, obviously, lives on the way to somewhere reasonable, but just how much arguing can a kid do? Did her kid stay out of trouble? Not completely, but she sure did reduce the amount. She parented.
Ah, but you say your son or daughter will not trust you if you don't let them go and do whatever it is that teens do?? Do you really not remember what it was like to be a teen? Do you not remember at all that feeling that you were invincible; that you were young and alive, and always would be? I do. I remember the risky behavior I participated in, and that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realized--not once, but twice--that I may have totally screwed up the rest of my life this time. Not my reputation, or my college opportunities, but seriously my entire future. All for a little bit of fun. Maybe 3 or 4 hours at a time.
Teenagers are stupid and reckless. They are designed that way. They are also designed, in theory, with a fail safe switch called "parents." Not friends. Friends are the people who encourage teens to do things that may or may not be good choices. Friends are there for fun, for listening when teens complain about their parents, teachers and grades, for reflecting, or rather, mirroring. Teenage years are the second set of Monkey See, Monkey Do years. Parenting requires that you guide your children to adulthood, not to mostly adulthood. Teenagers are not adults. I really don't care how "intelligent" they are, or how "responsible" and "trustworthy," there are times when they will falter. Remember those binge drinkers? They started somewhere, sometime. Where were you?
Sure, it's easy to look at your kids' friends and pick out the ones you think are the troublemakers, the partiers, the ringleaders, but who are those kids' parents picking out for each category? Are you being realistic? Objective? Do you want to be? Heck, no, I don't! I want to believe that my kid will always stick to his guns, always do what I expect from him, and will always make me proud. Unfortunately for me (and for my kids) I'm a bit more of a realist than that. So, I'm following another route. Beginning today, I'm checking on my kids more. Yes, that's right, I may show up at your house if any of my kids told me he would be there, or I might call your land line and expect to speak to him. They already know that they're supposed to call me when they goes somewhere, change locations or plans, or if they need assistance of any kind. Unfortunately, when push comes to shove, my kid is not likely to call unless he's alone.
It seems you, in your delusion of your kid being so trustworthy and responsible, do not require these calls from your kid. You believe, or kid yourself, that because your kid has a cell phone, you know where he or she is at all times. That a text is just as good as a phone call--or even better, because then friends don't know it's you! Did you never lie to your parents? Ever?? Don't you think, isn't it possible, that a cell phone might just make it a little bit easier to lie, or at the very least, hide the truth a little? Especially through text.
Don't get me wrong: a cell phone is a great tool in the fight against teenage stupidity, but it is an extra-sharp double-edged sword. And can only be used properly with training and practice. And I also know from my own experience that there is a delicate balance between too much and too little. But I also know that in the end, a little more is appreciated far more than a little less. One of my friends recently told me about taking her son's car. He was out an hour past curfew, with no call (from his cell phone or any other phone), so she and her husband went and got his car. Not him, just his car. Half an hour later, he called, frantic at first, and later angry, and didn't speak to them for two whole days, but he has since told them that "nothing good happens after 11." Pure genius.
I know what you are thinking now, "You don't trust your own kids!" Damn straight. I'm working on giving them opportunities to earn trust. I'm not just giving it away. Are you kidding? It's worth too much! Until it actually happens that my kid calls me from a party and says, "Come get me" instead of telling me afterward that he probably should have, or thought about it, there's no reason to give him a blank check of trust. I love them all too much for that. And I respect them all too much for that, too. Bottom line, I'm not here to befriend them. I enjoy their company, their stories, their friends (even the ones I really think are not the best ones to be hanging around with), and I like them at least as much as I love them, but I have a job to do.
Realizing that my kids will make stupid decisions does not mean that they are excused when they do--or when I find out because they've been caught. It just keeps me from being blindsided. It's much easier to come out standing that way. Take your head out of the sand, stop being so naive, and get on top of your kid so I can stay on mine. That whole "takes a village" concept goes way beyond pre-school carpools.
Sincerely,
Maybe My Kid
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