mind puttering

For months now I've been working on the art and practice of pondering. It feels different from thinking, or mulling; less deliberate, maybe, though sometimes quite focused. When I'm thinking something through, I make a point of keeping the problem or issue or question in the front of my mind, as though it is in the middle of my desktop, where I will be reminded of it as often as possible. When I mull things over, I tend more toward talking it out, frequently with a four-legged friend. My pondering, though, falls more along the lines of putting a note in my pocket, and becoming surprised each time I put my hand in and find it there. It's more subtle.

Lately my pondering has turned toward direction. (That's the other thing about pondering--it's a bit more abstract: concepts and feelings more than specific problems.) Part of this is related to some reorganization underway at work, and another part of it is related to my own personal growth. What I've realized from this pondering is that I've been sitting by the pool. For a very long time. I've gotten up and wandered around a bit, and I've even considered a few different ways to get in the water. But, and this is the important bit, I've been waiting for someone to either tell me it's time to get in, or to go in with me.

It's not fear. It's not exactly lack of motivation, although I have suffered that malady! I didn't exactly realize, I think, that I was waiting for someone else to make a move. At the same time, I was not taking action of my own accord. It's time. I need to "Cut the bullshit" and get in--get myself in. I need to ask the right questions, and I need to get to the right question by asking questions. And the answers need to be for the answers' sake, not for my benefit. And then I need to listen carefully, and act upon the answers.

The question--MY question: What is it you need me to do? I've been hearing, in my pondering: Ask. I've been having interesting dreams and conversations, and all are directing me to the same words. Ask. What is it you need me to do? And for the first time, I think I'm able. I hope so.