perhaps one day

I have a pain in my shoulder. I call it my shoulder, but if I were to point to it, you might say it's in my back. I know it's my shoulder because when I lift my arm one way, there is a clicking feeling in my shoulder, and if I lift it another way, the pain is less. We're not talking super evident pain: if you didn't watch me or know me, you might not notice, because I rarely mention it. For the most part, it doesn't bother me; I can still do things I need to do. On occasion, it interrupts my sleep or makes me feel especially tired. I know of something I can do to alleviate the pain, but it requires a partner, and sometimes the need to explain to someone is just not worth the energy to me. I can live with it, so I do. Every once in a while I do wonder why it hurts in the first place, since it comes and goes with no rhyme or reason, no obvious causes. When I do mention it, I get the usual questions: What happened? Did you do something to it? Have you been or do you need to see a doctor/chiropractor? How long has it been like that? Perhaps one day I'll find out what it is that makes the same spot hurt again and again. 

I have a pain in my heart. I call it my heart, because it's easier to explain that way, but in reality, I feel like it's a pain in my soul, because sometimes it affects my ability to pray, to give, to receive. And where it hurts is not a physical place, but a place I can feel, nonetheless. Sometimes this pain makes it impossible or difficult to eat, to sleep, to get out of bed. Other times, it is almost impossible to notice. But it's always there. For the most part, it doesn't bother me; I can still do things I need to do. I know some things I can do to alleviate the pain, and I am in the process. When I mention it, I get a variety of questions: What makes you think that's okay? Do you really think praying/therapy/talking/sharing can help? Can't you just get over it and move on? 

Both sources of pain have forced me to take a good look at who I surround myself with. I'm learning what a safe place is. I'm learning that I don't have to rely on myself. I'm learning that the important thing is how I will get through, moving forward; how I will use what I learn. I am blessed with spirited and strong children who challenge me, a loving and generous husband, and friends I can easily call family, as well as family members who have shared experiences, and are willing to listen. Most of all, I am blessed with a desire to pray and open my heart, even when it hurts, when it feels like it's crumbling, cracking, and falling apart. I look forward to the day I can step back from the mosaic that is my heart pieced together and see the beauty as others see it. Right now I'm too close to see anything but the details, and the work is too new to truly appreciate progress.