as myself

Earlier today, I was stuck. I had thoughts, ideas, wonderings, concerns, questions that wanted out, but I wasn't quite sure where to begin. I'd been spooked a bit, and agitated by that, and as a result, I felt stuck and even a bit angry about it. I started to write, but it wasn't going where I wanted it to, so I drafted it. Sometime I might revisit the words and rework them into something that feels more coherent.

In the meantime, we attended vespers, and something I heard there struck a chord closely related to what I wanted to say. The reflection was presented by a judge who did  a wonderful job of explaining how he lives his faith while hearing cases of law. In his talk, he pointed to Jesus' words in Mark's Gospel: "Love your neighbor as yourself." (Mark 12:31). Something clicked in my mind when he soon after paraphrased the Golden Rule: Love your neighbor as you would like to be loved.

Many times I've talked about the time when our son, as a toddler, got in trouble at pre-school for a minor infraction--something like poking a particular classmate. When asked why he would do that, he said, in all seriousness, that clearly the other child wanted to be poked, as he had poked others. Obviously, the other classmate was treating others as he wanted to be treated himself. If that kid pokes, he wants to be poked. It took us quite a long time to adjust this interpretation--especially since his point was spot on, though skewed!

This memory only flitted through my mind, as I thought that the two 'rules' do not equate. Loving someone as you love yourself is not the same as treating someone the way you want to be treated. That revelation added perspective to the thoughts I'd had earlier. Consider this: If I do not love myself, if I have pain, sorrow or anger in my heart, things from my life, my past, the forgotten parts of my heart and mind, how can I appreciate that someone else does not have some level of self-enmity? If I dislike myself, do not trust myself, do not love myself, how, then, will I treat others. Still, I could keep that commandment by treating others the way I see myself.

I've been there. At times, in my life, I have felt trapped, closed in, under appreciated, lonely, faithless. During those dark times, I truly believed that I was treating others as I wanted to be treated, but in reality, I was not loving them as I loved myself. Most people, I was loving far more than I loved myself. Others I was treating as I wished they'd want me to treat them. I remember actually thinking these things; actually wishing that someone would ask why I thought more of them than I thought of myself. Thankfully, I am far from that place now, but hearing the reflection tonight, I realized again that some of the people I had previously admired for having what I thought I didn't have are likely stuck in their own internal struggles.

That sounds obvious, and, yes, I have always known that what happens inside my heart is not completely unique to me. If that were the case, psychology and sociology would make no sense whatsoever. We think inside our heads, and that tends to make us think that what's in our minds is ours alone. However, when we open our hearts to share our thoughts, we realize how united we really are. That's where I am now. Yesterday, I read, "...the more ways we discover to express, share, and be loving, the more we find ourselves surrounded by the feeling of love" (Carlson and Carlson, c1999, Don't sweat the small stuff in love, p.36). Love is reflexive. Giving love is getting love, but wanting love is different. Just wanting it doesn't make it so.

Our speaker this evening pointed out that neither loving others as ourselves nor treating others as we'd like to be treated is easy. But the effort, for me, has been worthwhile. I fall short. Everyone does. But I get back up, take a deep breath, and start again, asking for help every step of the way. This post may or may not be coherent to you, as the reader; but I know just what I am saying.