my best friend

For years and years, I would hear my friends and others talk about their spouses and refer to them as their "best friends." A majority of these friends of mine have been women, and I generally attributed the reference to their femininity. I am not your typical girl. Despite my emotional nature, and my love of dancing and dressing up, I have never been overly feminine. In fact, as a rule, when I've heard others describe me, the word "athletic" is often mentioned, which certainly does not refer to my physical abilities, but to my looks and features.

Lately, though, I really do have different feelings. In the past few months, I've learned to let go of expectations that are simply my own. I've rediscovered the joy of learning, of listening intently (and without the distraction of babies, kids, the mail, bills, television, whatever) and dates that sometimes only last about 10 minutes, but are planned for and anticipated.

The other night, I got a text that said, "You know, it's kind of fun missing you." Completely taken aback, sitting by myself in the dining area at an out-of-town grocery store, I smiled and realized just how much I felt the same way. Never had I ever felt what I felt at that moment. Not once in all my life had I considered that missing someone could be a good feeling; something to make me feel alive and in love. That's when I realized, without a doubt, that my husband is my very best friend in the world. I had been coming to that conclusion, but I need clear-cut signs, signals and direction. (We talked about that this morning, and the way I like to sometimes tell God that I need Him to be clearer with me--and that I also am very much aware that God probably doesn't much appreciate me giving him orders of any kind. Who else could I have had that talk with first? Only my bestie.) I needed it spelled out, the depth and breadth of this love I continue to fall into.

Not one for favorites, it's been quite a long time since I could, or would even attempt to identify a "best friend." In my life experience, best friends are a misnomer. Every time I'd thought I had a best friend, it would turn out that they had some other best friend, and I would get confused, hurt--but all in my own self. I can't believe it's taken me all this time (including 20+ years of marriage!) to see that friendship is so organic. For the first time in my life, I am my best friend's best friend. And as a bonus, he is also my lover. I do enjoy missing him--sometimes a wee bit on a workday, and other times quite a bit when he is away from home overnight. I enjoy opening my heart wide, and sharing what is there, sometimes with words, and sometimes by listening. I love the good times, and the bad, the happiness and the frustration. I am blessed, because my best friend knows all of these things.

My best friend knows.

He knows. And I am so very happy to be here with him.