fears: pt. 2

One thing I am afraid of: walking into a dark room. From time to time, I wonder why it's so scary to walk into a dark room: if there is something hidden in my past that I've suppressed that's caused it, or if it's a common, normal "survival instinct" kind of thing. Most of the time, I just make sure I know where the lights are, and that enough of the space will be lit up enough for me to get through.

Hallways don't normally bother me, unless I'm unsure of whether there is a room along the way. Yeah, that's right, a long, narrow dark space doesn't bother me nearly as much as a big dark square that occupies the same mathematical area. (Fears don't always make sense, you know!) And the other oddity about this particular fear is that if I wake up in the middle of the night, walking into or through a dark room usually does not bother me. I know I am not afraid of the dark, just dark rooms.

From the time my parents first left us home alone without a babysitter, I've known this fear. Going to bed after dark meant walking through one dark room, and past three others--four, if the hall closet was open. I would leave the light on in the family room where I would have been watching TV, and turn on the kitchen light. Then I would go back and turn off the light in the family room. Next, I would go to the end of the hall, past the Living Room, and turn the light on there; then backtrack and turn off the kitchen light. I would leapfrog all the way to my room this way--a process that involved 8 light switches (ons and offs) just to get to my room.

In our current house, it's only occasionally a problem, because there are two streetlights that seem to take care of the problem for me most of the time. Once, at the dance studio where I worked, I was asked to go into the front of the building to get a bag of costumes. I made it as far as the door. When I opened it and saw how dark the room was, I had to turn back. I didn't know where the light switch was, or how big the room really was. I just couldn't do it.

I have a similar fear of open closet doors while I'm sleeping. Literally, I cannot get to sleep if a closet door is open. All my life. When we were first married, I told Guy about it, and, the wonderful man that he is, he has always remembered to close them if he sees one open. He's the only one I had ever told, which actually did lead to at least a couple of restless nights away from home with friends or relatives. Then, one night, in a hotel or something, my brother made a point of closing a closet door near bedtime. Our eyes met, and he said, "I know I'd never be able to sleep with that open." I remember laughing and saying that I have that trouble, too! Although it felt good to know I was not alone in my fear, it did make me wonder what could have made us both, with 12 years between us, have the same fear.

Being embarrassed about this fear of dark rooms never occurred to me, but being afraid of doors open to dark closets did. I wonder why that is almost as much as I wonder why I have the fears in the first place. Yet I see no reason to "fix" it. I just turn on lights when I need to, and turn back if I have to. Much the way I deal with the other stuff in life that comes at me. And sometimes, I get a flashlight.