So many of my posts are born of a need to release some sort of pent up emotional energy. There are times when I wonder if, in snippets, I appear to be a coiled up spring, ready to explode. At one time, I was. Too much of my energy was focused on looking like I was playing a part: the part of mother, coach's wife, homeowner, friend--a grown-up. Oddly, the people I most admired had no concerns about what a grown-up looked like, acted like. With them, I could be myself (and at home, with my family), and I would come away from my time with them rejuvinated, refreshed and renewed. And with a promise to myself that I would continue the feeling of being "real" by being myself instead of who I was "supposed to" be.
It wasn't until a crisis that I was able to make the break. Repeatedly, I've been told that my ability to be true to myself was the inspiration needed to move forward.
Perhaps you see me as a bit socially awkward. Good! I am! I have no desire to make small talk, as I've said before. Sooner or later, if I see that you are someone I can let in, I will join the conversation. It may take minutes, hours, days, years. The point is, if you feel uncomfortable with my quiet nature at first, you probably will be later. And in the long run, I've found that the people that are most uncomfortable with those who don't jump in immediately, people like me, are frequently pretty uncomfortable with themselves. I have a number of very outgoing friends -- people who will talk to anyone, anywhere; people who could probably make friends with a stone statue, and no one would think anything of it. But they are quite comfortable with the differences in people, and can not only tolerate those who reserve their spirit for times when they are more comfortable.
Where I've gone wrong is in believing I "should" make friends with the people who strike up conversations with me repeatedly. In going against my nature, and trying to follow someone else's lead.
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